Flashback from the last post... this predates that post:
Totally do (wish I could fast travel)... And those of you who play, or have played, Oblivion and/or Skyrim will get this... everyone else, boo to you. Too bad you're too much of a loser to experience the greatness of The Elder Scrolls series. Most. Amazing. Game Series. EVER. And keeps getting better, though I dislike taking away some things here and there in Skyrim, but whatev. BTW, playing as a Khajiit (as opposed to my usual [insert race here] Elf, or half-[insert race here] Elf) is interesting, eye-opening, and sometimes, sucking! Digressing!!
So, I didn't talked to my sis for a while. It seemed my parents and I have gotten closer throughout the whole ordeal, because, well, I was finally able to better explain myself after having written that week's blog... the whole the-world-revolves-around-NPJ (my sis) thing and the whole gotta-please-husband-and-husband's-family things. Didn't even visited my nephew and nieces for a week. My sister called and I said something to my sister, and my father had even said something similar. Whatever was repeated to my sister by my father, was blamed solely on me, even though I'd spoken to my father after I'd gotten off the phone with my sister. As a result, my father ended up calling me the next day screaming at me. I ended up in tears, because the last time my father had yelled at me like that, I must have been in my early 20s, so it brought me back to a time where I always "got in trouble". He asked what I was trying to do to the family, that I was tearing it apart and my sister may never spend time with them again, or bring the kids to my parents again. I ended up hanging up on him and crying into my pillow. That whole time, Chia had arrived, bringing his stuff into the house, and by the time I was done on the phone and he was done bringing stuff in, I was already in such turmoil, I just wanted to be in bed all day. The guy sees me crying into my pillow and had the audacity to ask what I was doing, that he had come to see me, if I was sleeping (reminder: I was crying hysterically into my pillow), etc. I got so fed up with his shit, that I called him out on all that, even asking him if he was retarded and need to be institutionalized for being so dismissive of what I was going through. Of course, him being the way he is and not having a similar family life, didn't understand and felt I was overreacting. Here I was, expressing to him for weeks how I felt about my family falling apart, and he's just "whatever" about it. We ended up talking, but it took me awhile to explain to him how I felt and why this was so hard for me. My sister called a short while later, for a family meeting later that afternoon. I went, tears were shed amongst all of us, but we finally came to an understanding and I'm glad to say, I feel we, as a family, are closer than ever. My parents brought some stuff about me, as well, so I'm doing my best to change things on my end.
A week later I weighed myself... Blew off a great friend of mine all because my jeans that always fit were tight and I weighed 126. Of course I'm going to be upset, naturally, because I've been on top of my eating... though not very consistent with my work outs. Aches, pains, drama, procrastination, unmotivation, what have you, ensues. Totally have NOT been creative, though I have been diving into a book I purchased. A used one I found on Amazon.com. It was like less than a dollar. And it looks brand freakin new. I paid mostly shipping for it. So, in essence, I got a practically new book for less than $5. A book that is worth way more than that in gold. What I dislike about the book, 2 chapters in and the author is still talking about what the book has done for others and what it's about and what it can do for you. We'll see how it ends. I'm reading a book on procrastination, as well, and more into that one for now. We'll see how that turns out for me. Obviously I'll keep y'all posted. Peace out!
March 2, 2012
We Have Been Spotted and We're Being Pulled in by the Tractor Beam
Yeah, it's been a while since I've updated this last, huh? Lots has happened since, so I'll have to re-read what I wrote last and bring you all up to speed. Otherwise, I've just been working, staying somewhat consistent with my workouts and better yet, keeping consistent with my diet, which is great. However, I've gained weight despite it all, and see no sign of weight loss any time in the near future. According to Dr L (homeopathics doctor), I am hypometabolic, which apparently may not indicate any sign of hypothyroidism, but wanted me to get bloodwork to rule that out, so that's that. He also gave me another tincture, of sorts, to lighten up my depressive state. Best part was I got to decrease the fatty acids and vitamins. Those were wreaking havoc in my pocket, that's for sure. I was going through like $50/month with those things.
I was also busy with the Thing-A-Day blog, where you create something (draw, bake, cook, write, knit, etc) every day. I forced myself, literally, to sign up. It became almost second nature to do something creative and found I didn't miss playing video games, or watch Netflix as a result. I still procrastinate with everything else, however, so still working on that. Even bought a book and am about more than half way through with it, so that's a good sign.
Chia update: though we are no longer engaged, in October/November, I stated I was through with this mundaneness we were going through in our relationship. Nothing improved, it wasn't going anywhere, and I felt we were friends, at best. That said, I figured, why don't we just stay friends and end the relationship, allowing for each of us to grow as individuals and if we were meant to be, I figured our hearts would find their way back, however, he wanted to work things out, so to speak, stating he could improve. Well, he didn't disappoint for a while, but then we was so involved with Skyrim, I felt I was put on the back burner. It got to the point where, once again, I felt we were friends. I suppose, yes, that is equally as important in a relationship, but so is cuddling (my opinion, anyway) and intimacy. Going over all this in my head, with the added anxiety of the thought I was going through perimenopause, I "flipped" (ended up doing so with his complacent and non-caring attitude over the phone, and later, his calling me "nuts" and "crazy" and "me needing therapy". Funny out he doesn't look in the mirror when it comes to needing therapeutic services) out on him Saturday. It ended with me in tears, I guess, but somehow the air was cleared a bit. It still left me with this feeling like, it's just done. I don't know. He made some good points with me, as well, with, yes, my depression seemingly worsening, as well as the fact that I've been busy on more weekends than he and I were really able to be together. Basically, not a whole lot of quality time spent together. And lately, any time he does spend with me, is spent with me being lethargic and practically being lazy most of the day. He has helped me here and there with pellet stove cleaning and cleaning the house, without me even asking, which is a step forward, to say the least. In fact, he helps me more now than he did when we were living together.
I'm hoping to start a family one day, at least with one child, but this economy, my crappy job and crappy pay to boot, plus where I live (though perfect for raising a child, especially with the backyard I've got, just not a fan of the town), it just doesn't seem like it'll ever happen. Chia still hasn't been able to find a position anywhere, but at least he finally confided he'd like to start a family, as well, but expressed a similar concern, that he doesn't feel he's able to support one at this time and would like to start when he's able. Here's the thing everyone in this country faces: there is always the lack of job security these days. Add the stagnant salaries. Ugh. Just not pleasant for a child, to be honest, though I feel we could raise a child who could go through life with less, and have less of that "want" feeling, and be more productive to society; perhaps even changing it one day. Will I be with Chia and finally start that family?? Who really knows. I feel like I'm just lost in general, and honestly, not looking for options elsewhere either. I just don't feel it. I think the feeling of hating myself is resonating too much for me to enjoy the company of someone else (friends not included). That want of a child, to contribute greater to society, that's a greater want than I've ever had and I feel I may miss my opportunity for a great guy and a great family.
I was also busy with the Thing-A-Day blog, where you create something (draw, bake, cook, write, knit, etc) every day. I forced myself, literally, to sign up. It became almost second nature to do something creative and found I didn't miss playing video games, or watch Netflix as a result. I still procrastinate with everything else, however, so still working on that. Even bought a book and am about more than half way through with it, so that's a good sign.
Chia update: though we are no longer engaged, in October/November, I stated I was through with this mundaneness we were going through in our relationship. Nothing improved, it wasn't going anywhere, and I felt we were friends, at best. That said, I figured, why don't we just stay friends and end the relationship, allowing for each of us to grow as individuals and if we were meant to be, I figured our hearts would find their way back, however, he wanted to work things out, so to speak, stating he could improve. Well, he didn't disappoint for a while, but then we was so involved with Skyrim, I felt I was put on the back burner. It got to the point where, once again, I felt we were friends. I suppose, yes, that is equally as important in a relationship, but so is cuddling (my opinion, anyway) and intimacy. Going over all this in my head, with the added anxiety of the thought I was going through perimenopause, I "flipped" (ended up doing so with his complacent and non-caring attitude over the phone, and later, his calling me "nuts" and "crazy" and "me needing therapy". Funny out he doesn't look in the mirror when it comes to needing therapeutic services) out on him Saturday. It ended with me in tears, I guess, but somehow the air was cleared a bit. It still left me with this feeling like, it's just done. I don't know. He made some good points with me, as well, with, yes, my depression seemingly worsening, as well as the fact that I've been busy on more weekends than he and I were really able to be together. Basically, not a whole lot of quality time spent together. And lately, any time he does spend with me, is spent with me being lethargic and practically being lazy most of the day. He has helped me here and there with pellet stove cleaning and cleaning the house, without me even asking, which is a step forward, to say the least. In fact, he helps me more now than he did when we were living together.
I'm hoping to start a family one day, at least with one child, but this economy, my crappy job and crappy pay to boot, plus where I live (though perfect for raising a child, especially with the backyard I've got, just not a fan of the town), it just doesn't seem like it'll ever happen. Chia still hasn't been able to find a position anywhere, but at least he finally confided he'd like to start a family, as well, but expressed a similar concern, that he doesn't feel he's able to support one at this time and would like to start when he's able. Here's the thing everyone in this country faces: there is always the lack of job security these days. Add the stagnant salaries. Ugh. Just not pleasant for a child, to be honest, though I feel we could raise a child who could go through life with less, and have less of that "want" feeling, and be more productive to society; perhaps even changing it one day. Will I be with Chia and finally start that family?? Who really knows. I feel like I'm just lost in general, and honestly, not looking for options elsewhere either. I just don't feel it. I think the feeling of hating myself is resonating too much for me to enjoy the company of someone else (friends not included). That want of a child, to contribute greater to society, that's a greater want than I've ever had and I feel I may miss my opportunity for a great guy and a great family.
December 29, 2011
Hurt Me Like You Mean It
It's been some time since my last post. Yes, I'm still fat and yes, still complaining and yes, still eating fairly well, despite missed meals and the occasional alcohol drink. I've barely worked out this week, but did super awesome last week, which was great. Granted, I did feel weak with most of my lifting, but when it came to back, I banged it out like it was no one's business. Not just that, had some sort of boost of confidence that day as well, because not only did I lift weights AND go on the treadmill, but prior to that, I painted an ornament and drew three others in a fuckin HOUR. I couldn't believe it!!!
2 weeks prior, I finally got a hold of my co-worker's nephew via email. He may have some projects to which I could help him with, which got me in better spirits, because it's something I'm doing for someone else. He said, no pay, but I don't care. I'm only looking to add shit to my portfolio/demo reel/skills. If someone offers you an opportunity, regardless of lack of funds, do you say no? Not in my book. I also had been working out, making foods for a party and Xmas Eve, and getting projects done. I swear last week, I barely got sleep, just finish shit and now there's shit all over the place between my craft room and a laptop table. The laptop table possesses a bulk of my jump rings and collection of pliers while my craft table possesses a laptop, various bottles of paint, brushes, ornaments, paper towels and cup of water. Messy, mess, mess. My house has not been cleaned in who knows how long. Yeah, I vacuumed once, or twice, dusted here and there and cleaned the toilet, but it hasn't really been cleaned in a while. I used to stay on top of shit, but then other shit got in the way. There are still things I'd like to do, but lately, lack motivation, once more, to do anything. Not sure if I'm burnt out, or what. Not to mention, debating whether some people deserve shit, or not. AND I was supposed to hang with friends and do shit during this week of shut down, since I was only working two days. Whatever.
Of course, no plans of great fun go unpunished. I ended up having drama with my sister 2 weeks ago and of course, again, Monday, when we discussed how the holidays were spent. Have I told you my loathing of such seasonal grief?? Fucking hate it. It's not just the ridiculousness a great deal of us put ourselves through to find and buy shit the others don't need, but also the fact that we buy into "must buy equivalent amount we think the other will give". Stupid. Seriously. Fucking dumb. And then you have people like me who can barely afford toilet paper to wipe our own asses with who are forced to make stuff and then have family and friends seemingly mocking you about how you should sell said creations. "Oh, I would think this would cots like $75". Not to mention, you're going up against such shops as Tiffany & Co and new "Party flavor of the decade" Stella & Dot poking fun at the very existence of your hard work while theirs are made in China by children, exclusively for them, with their names STAMPED all over so you're aware of where it came from and so you can boast about your wealth (or lack there of, so you don't feel like a poor bloke) and ridiculously priced at the low price of $49.99 for a fucking key chain! Really?? Well, let's see what others would pay if I put it up on Etsy, then, shall we?? I'm going up against the same kind of people as I, who probably take the time to even solder their jump rings, while I don't. Totally more time consuming. Hence my further hatred and frustration for the holidays that, in all honesty, should be non-existent, considering fucking little boys wasn't in the program of holiday celebration, this holy character by the name of Christ wasn't even born in fucking December (this has been proven), not sure about the whole deal with Hanukkah (please take no offense, I'm aware of the story behind it and why it is celebrated and honestly, just as "awesome" as the story of the Nativity, I suppose, but I'm sure there is some sort of something to debunk the reason for it's celebration the same time as Yule, Christmas, etc), Kwanzaa (not even going there... didn't come into existence until the 70s, or 80s and it was all to celebrate the African tradition of... African traditions... around Christmas.. fitting... hardly and doubt you would want to celebrate where you came from, considering the genocide going there now), not to mention the fact that most people's faith has been dying YEARLY... unless, of course, your Muslim, which is like the 2nd fastest growing religion. Don't get me wrong. Believe in what you want. You're clearly entitled, this is a ... *ahem*... free country (though they came here to practice THEIR religion and keep it as such), however, most of it is bullocks, bullshit, crap laced with fairy dust. Even the Greeks and Romans had gods with flaws. Christianity, Judaism, etc have Saints, or whatever the hell they are, with very little. Really?? Was humanity so blessed with such perfectionism we now deem a savior (whom the Jews are still waiting for) a god?? I digress... moving on... just think the holidays are pointless. So why have drama, you ask?? Well, despite how I feel behind the actual meaning of each and every one of them, my family observes Christmas. That said, I have memories, regardless of how fun, or boring, of spending time with my family. So, for me, Christmas time is a time to spend with your close ones. So, the drama that occurred between my sister (or should I say artist formerly known as sister??) and I was about the fact that I didn't spend a mere 5 min with her on the holiday. In fact, it was not only depressing, because I had to fight back tears, I was with my parents and we were literally just hanging out. It was nice, yes, but would have been nicer if I was a)an only child and knew that I was such, or b) since I wasn't born an only child wished my sister was there. Xmas Eve was OK. I had some cousins there from my side, but my brother-in-law, in hopes of resurrecting the Xmas Eve his grandmother had, invited his entire fucking family. Not exactly fun for us non-Polish types. We're not from that family and believe me, we were treated as such and ignored as such. Likewise, fuck 'em, I did the same. I don't care for the bulk of his family and I can only take his sister and mother in doses. They think they're better than everybody else, though his sister hangs out with the likes of the ghetto. Guess what?? I'm better than HER. So, not a fan. Not to mention, nephew & nieces are usually hogged by them, because hell forbid they get in touch with their Portuguese side of the family. Whatever. So naturally, I was upset. I barely spoke to my sister Xmas Day, even at my cousin's house. In my opinion, it shouldn't be me and my family searching for her love. It should just come natural. If you WANT to spend time with the family you came from, do so. If not, fuck you, too. We'll just treat you the same you treat us, then, if that is what you wish. So, hence, drama, pain and extreme heartache.
My sister fought over it over the phone on Monday. She suddenly appeared at my house to "surprise" me... SURPRISE! MY HOUSE IS DIRTY! A FUCKING PHONE CALL WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE! Granted, it should be the gesture and thought, but fuck it. She came by, with the kids in tow, because how else could she win a truce without bringing those closest to my heart. At any rate, once again the holidays were discussed and once again, she tries to explain herself and finding some sort of resolve, excuse, what have you, to redeem her lack of giving a shit about hanging with her real fam, to which she failed. I could see where she was coming from and comprehend a bit, considering she does have children and yes, would be more fun, but no, why the in-laws 3 times in 2 days?? With her family?? When would we, as an immediate family, including my nephew & nieces, spend time together?? Oh, we have to come to you. I keep forgetting, the world revolves only around you. No one else. Keep trying to please your husband who could give a rat's ass about US (vice versa asshole) and his family, fuck us. Forget about us. So, she left in fake tears (really, if she really gave a shit, I wouldn't be bitching about it right now and none of that would have happened) all because I refused to find a way to truce, brings up that I barely visit to see my nephew and nieces (I'm sure they'll be fine without an extra aunt in the way of their already busy family life (it kills me, seriously, but my nephew appears to not give a shit anymore, maybe it's the age, but whatever, I'm already forgotten and treated like I don't matter anymore)) and more rarely go to her home. My rhetoric was she's always busy with her not-so-new family. Yet she manages to find a way to bring her kids every where and manages to find the time for her in-laws and others. Imagine the magic that ensues during those times.
Painfully, I've decided it be best I go on like I don't have a sister. I've expressed this with my parents, as well, so as not to cause anymore family feuds, that apparently and seemingly are so fueled by myself alone. I received no response from emailing the bullshit that occurred and my decision to my mother. I went to visit yesterday and my sister and I completely ignored one another. Awesome. I don't fucking care. I treat her as if I've treated any other person who's picked on me, been a bully to me, or a friend who's hurt me in the past: act like they do not exist. I even deactivated my FB account for the time being, because she was so "hurt" (more like embarrassed, because the truth was out there) by a status update in regards to the awesome holiday I had. And I didn't even say much, but she knew it was about her... others really haven't a clue, unless I told them, but most are MY friends whom I still talk to, so fuck her.
In the meantime, this has been killing me, though I refuse to let it show. The entire week I've been a mess, the house is messier, my clothes aren't done, my sink is full of dishes needing some washing and I barely ate and bathed for two days. I haven't worked out, or found solace in things I enjoy. Just completely and utter misery, because I know my sister never really cared to be around us. At least that's what it appears to be. I'm lost. I've lost my sister by my own choosing. And she doesn't care. She's got her family. It's all she needs.
I guarantee you this, even if Chia had been living with me and even if he and I had our own family, this would still hurt and suck. This still would have happened, though others disagree. Believe me, it would. There are no people like your family. Especially when you come to learn to appreciate them. And that took me years already vanished. I've only had 8 really good years with my sister. Now I will have no more. I will sell my home when I am able and move far away, as the pain is too much for me to bear. It would be much easier from afar. This was mentioned to her, her response, "If that will make you happy." Fuck you, you heartless, delusional, narcissistic bitch.
2 weeks prior, I finally got a hold of my co-worker's nephew via email. He may have some projects to which I could help him with, which got me in better spirits, because it's something I'm doing for someone else. He said, no pay, but I don't care. I'm only looking to add shit to my portfolio/demo reel/skills. If someone offers you an opportunity, regardless of lack of funds, do you say no? Not in my book. I also had been working out, making foods for a party and Xmas Eve, and getting projects done. I swear last week, I barely got sleep, just finish shit and now there's shit all over the place between my craft room and a laptop table. The laptop table possesses a bulk of my jump rings and collection of pliers while my craft table possesses a laptop, various bottles of paint, brushes, ornaments, paper towels and cup of water. Messy, mess, mess. My house has not been cleaned in who knows how long. Yeah, I vacuumed once, or twice, dusted here and there and cleaned the toilet, but it hasn't really been cleaned in a while. I used to stay on top of shit, but then other shit got in the way. There are still things I'd like to do, but lately, lack motivation, once more, to do anything. Not sure if I'm burnt out, or what. Not to mention, debating whether some people deserve shit, or not. AND I was supposed to hang with friends and do shit during this week of shut down, since I was only working two days. Whatever.
Of course, no plans of great fun go unpunished. I ended up having drama with my sister 2 weeks ago and of course, again, Monday, when we discussed how the holidays were spent. Have I told you my loathing of such seasonal grief?? Fucking hate it. It's not just the ridiculousness a great deal of us put ourselves through to find and buy shit the others don't need, but also the fact that we buy into "must buy equivalent amount we think the other will give". Stupid. Seriously. Fucking dumb. And then you have people like me who can barely afford toilet paper to wipe our own asses with who are forced to make stuff and then have family and friends seemingly mocking you about how you should sell said creations. "Oh, I would think this would cots like $75". Not to mention, you're going up against such shops as Tiffany & Co and new "Party flavor of the decade" Stella & Dot poking fun at the very existence of your hard work while theirs are made in China by children, exclusively for them, with their names STAMPED all over so you're aware of where it came from and so you can boast about your wealth (or lack there of, so you don't feel like a poor bloke) and ridiculously priced at the low price of $49.99 for a fucking key chain! Really?? Well, let's see what others would pay if I put it up on Etsy, then, shall we?? I'm going up against the same kind of people as I, who probably take the time to even solder their jump rings, while I don't. Totally more time consuming. Hence my further hatred and frustration for the holidays that, in all honesty, should be non-existent, considering fucking little boys wasn't in the program of holiday celebration, this holy character by the name of Christ wasn't even born in fucking December (this has been proven), not sure about the whole deal with Hanukkah (please take no offense, I'm aware of the story behind it and why it is celebrated and honestly, just as "awesome" as the story of the Nativity, I suppose, but I'm sure there is some sort of something to debunk the reason for it's celebration the same time as Yule, Christmas, etc), Kwanzaa (not even going there... didn't come into existence until the 70s, or 80s and it was all to celebrate the African tradition of... African traditions... around Christmas.. fitting... hardly and doubt you would want to celebrate where you came from, considering the genocide going there now), not to mention the fact that most people's faith has been dying YEARLY... unless, of course, your Muslim, which is like the 2nd fastest growing religion. Don't get me wrong. Believe in what you want. You're clearly entitled, this is a ... *ahem*... free country (though they came here to practice THEIR religion and keep it as such), however, most of it is bullocks, bullshit, crap laced with fairy dust. Even the Greeks and Romans had gods with flaws. Christianity, Judaism, etc have Saints, or whatever the hell they are, with very little. Really?? Was humanity so blessed with such perfectionism we now deem a savior (whom the Jews are still waiting for) a god?? I digress... moving on... just think the holidays are pointless. So why have drama, you ask?? Well, despite how I feel behind the actual meaning of each and every one of them, my family observes Christmas. That said, I have memories, regardless of how fun, or boring, of spending time with my family. So, for me, Christmas time is a time to spend with your close ones. So, the drama that occurred between my sister (or should I say artist formerly known as sister??) and I was about the fact that I didn't spend a mere 5 min with her on the holiday. In fact, it was not only depressing, because I had to fight back tears, I was with my parents and we were literally just hanging out. It was nice, yes, but would have been nicer if I was a)an only child and knew that I was such, or b) since I wasn't born an only child wished my sister was there. Xmas Eve was OK. I had some cousins there from my side, but my brother-in-law, in hopes of resurrecting the Xmas Eve his grandmother had, invited his entire fucking family. Not exactly fun for us non-Polish types. We're not from that family and believe me, we were treated as such and ignored as such. Likewise, fuck 'em, I did the same. I don't care for the bulk of his family and I can only take his sister and mother in doses. They think they're better than everybody else, though his sister hangs out with the likes of the ghetto. Guess what?? I'm better than HER. So, not a fan. Not to mention, nephew & nieces are usually hogged by them, because hell forbid they get in touch with their Portuguese side of the family. Whatever. So naturally, I was upset. I barely spoke to my sister Xmas Day, even at my cousin's house. In my opinion, it shouldn't be me and my family searching for her love. It should just come natural. If you WANT to spend time with the family you came from, do so. If not, fuck you, too. We'll just treat you the same you treat us, then, if that is what you wish. So, hence, drama, pain and extreme heartache.
My sister fought over it over the phone on Monday. She suddenly appeared at my house to "surprise" me... SURPRISE! MY HOUSE IS DIRTY! A FUCKING PHONE CALL WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE! Granted, it should be the gesture and thought, but fuck it. She came by, with the kids in tow, because how else could she win a truce without bringing those closest to my heart. At any rate, once again the holidays were discussed and once again, she tries to explain herself and finding some sort of resolve, excuse, what have you, to redeem her lack of giving a shit about hanging with her real fam, to which she failed. I could see where she was coming from and comprehend a bit, considering she does have children and yes, would be more fun, but no, why the in-laws 3 times in 2 days?? With her family?? When would we, as an immediate family, including my nephew & nieces, spend time together?? Oh, we have to come to you. I keep forgetting, the world revolves only around you. No one else. Keep trying to please your husband who could give a rat's ass about US (vice versa asshole) and his family, fuck us. Forget about us. So, she left in fake tears (really, if she really gave a shit, I wouldn't be bitching about it right now and none of that would have happened) all because I refused to find a way to truce, brings up that I barely visit to see my nephew and nieces (I'm sure they'll be fine without an extra aunt in the way of their already busy family life (it kills me, seriously, but my nephew appears to not give a shit anymore, maybe it's the age, but whatever, I'm already forgotten and treated like I don't matter anymore)) and more rarely go to her home. My rhetoric was she's always busy with her not-so-new family. Yet she manages to find a way to bring her kids every where and manages to find the time for her in-laws and others. Imagine the magic that ensues during those times.
Painfully, I've decided it be best I go on like I don't have a sister. I've expressed this with my parents, as well, so as not to cause anymore family feuds, that apparently and seemingly are so fueled by myself alone. I received no response from emailing the bullshit that occurred and my decision to my mother. I went to visit yesterday and my sister and I completely ignored one another. Awesome. I don't fucking care. I treat her as if I've treated any other person who's picked on me, been a bully to me, or a friend who's hurt me in the past: act like they do not exist. I even deactivated my FB account for the time being, because she was so "hurt" (more like embarrassed, because the truth was out there) by a status update in regards to the awesome holiday I had. And I didn't even say much, but she knew it was about her... others really haven't a clue, unless I told them, but most are MY friends whom I still talk to, so fuck her.
In the meantime, this has been killing me, though I refuse to let it show. The entire week I've been a mess, the house is messier, my clothes aren't done, my sink is full of dishes needing some washing and I barely ate and bathed for two days. I haven't worked out, or found solace in things I enjoy. Just completely and utter misery, because I know my sister never really cared to be around us. At least that's what it appears to be. I'm lost. I've lost my sister by my own choosing. And she doesn't care. She's got her family. It's all she needs.
I guarantee you this, even if Chia had been living with me and even if he and I had our own family, this would still hurt and suck. This still would have happened, though others disagree. Believe me, it would. There are no people like your family. Especially when you come to learn to appreciate them. And that took me years already vanished. I've only had 8 really good years with my sister. Now I will have no more. I will sell my home when I am able and move far away, as the pain is too much for me to bear. It would be much easier from afar. This was mentioned to her, her response, "If that will make you happy." Fuck you, you heartless, delusional, narcissistic bitch.
December 13, 2011
Feelin Like Jabba...
These last few weeks have been rather hectic and crazy for me, as previously stated. That said, despite the 3 weeks off training, 2 weeks back with light weight - heavy volume and now on my 2nd week back lifting heavy as well as getting at least 3 days of cardio in, I've managed to gain weight. My diet is even better than ever and yet still managed to have gained weight. I'm now 128 as of last night. I cried myself to sleep I was SO upset. I'm just so frustrated!!
There are plenty of women out there who've lost TONS of weight, compete in physique competitions like bodybuilding and figure, yet manage to stay within 10 lbs of their stage weight. I don't get it. Many actually have cheat meals once a week with their wines, or alcohol and still manage to stay lean. You also have freaks like my sister who have had 3 kids (twins to boot!!) and look freakin cut like they're ready to do a fucking show! She works out about as much as I do, if not less. I lift heavier and more often and do more cardio, as I have the time. We eat about the same, more often than not, she eats more things like hummus, fruit, triscuits, cottage cheese, etc. I just don't get it.
Spiraling: So, all I ever wanted since I was a kid was to be thinner and not have to worry so much about working my ass off, but it seems regardless of calories, types of foods, amount of workouts I do, I'm screwed. I'm just totally fucked. I've been picked on up until the day I graduated high school, always had a difficult time learning some subjects and retaining info, everything had always been a struggle for me, regardless of how much work I put into things. It doesn't matter what it is. Yeah, I'm a bit artistically talented, but even that I can't grasp mastering. I just don't understand why I can't sketch something awesome super quick, or why it takes me forever to do something. I don't get why till this day I still have a tendency to procrastinate, or stay unmotivated, regardless of what it may be... could even fun things! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
/spiraling & rant
On a side note, I was able to paint something on a mug pretty quickly... maybe ten minutes, so that boosted my confidence a wee bit. I also attempted making bath fizzies and bath bombs, so we'll see how those turned out. Holidays are coming closer and I have shit done... no time... fuckin sucks. My time is takin up by a job I fucking loathe with a person I loathe more than anything, unmotivation when I do have time, working out and laundry/cleaning... I just can't catch a break.
There are plenty of women out there who've lost TONS of weight, compete in physique competitions like bodybuilding and figure, yet manage to stay within 10 lbs of their stage weight. I don't get it. Many actually have cheat meals once a week with their wines, or alcohol and still manage to stay lean. You also have freaks like my sister who have had 3 kids (twins to boot!!) and look freakin cut like they're ready to do a fucking show! She works out about as much as I do, if not less. I lift heavier and more often and do more cardio, as I have the time. We eat about the same, more often than not, she eats more things like hummus, fruit, triscuits, cottage cheese, etc. I just don't get it.
Spiraling: So, all I ever wanted since I was a kid was to be thinner and not have to worry so much about working my ass off, but it seems regardless of calories, types of foods, amount of workouts I do, I'm screwed. I'm just totally fucked. I've been picked on up until the day I graduated high school, always had a difficult time learning some subjects and retaining info, everything had always been a struggle for me, regardless of how much work I put into things. It doesn't matter what it is. Yeah, I'm a bit artistically talented, but even that I can't grasp mastering. I just don't understand why I can't sketch something awesome super quick, or why it takes me forever to do something. I don't get why till this day I still have a tendency to procrastinate, or stay unmotivated, regardless of what it may be... could even fun things! WHAT THE HELL!!!!!
/spiraling & rant
On a side note, I was able to paint something on a mug pretty quickly... maybe ten minutes, so that boosted my confidence a wee bit. I also attempted making bath fizzies and bath bombs, so we'll see how those turned out. Holidays are coming closer and I have shit done... no time... fuckin sucks. My time is takin up by a job I fucking loathe with a person I loathe more than anything, unmotivation when I do have time, working out and laundry/cleaning... I just can't catch a break.
December 1, 2011
I Have You Now...
Yeah, Vader fan... sorry.
Thanksgiving... a pointless holiday, full of tradition and family quarrels and the start of the 8 to 15 lb carnage lovingly embraced by the American lifestyle during the month and a half long holiday season. Mine was OK, I suppose. I didn't fill up on food like most people have that day. I never usually do, though my mother did make an awesome assortment of food (minus the turkey, which my father is responsible for). Well, despite it being a holiday, what usually comes with holidays none other than a good old fashioned family feud, which I had with my sister and mother the night prior. I went over to my mother's to help, like I usually do every year, and much to my surprise, my sister was their with her children. I believe this would be her first year ever helping. At any rate, there was some misunderstanding with me and my nephew wanting to play (didn't catch on, but give me 5 more minutes and I would have figured it out... us kidless people haven't a clue). What started as a little quadlibet between siblings (called my nephew a "weirdo", which my sis didn't want as he would turn around call another child the term, which I find no harm in, but apparently is considered "name-calling"?? Wasn't Gonzo the Great a weirdo?? and of course not figuring out my nephew wanted to play with me) turned out to be an outright screaming match between my father and I and my sister and mother, all due to the fact that no one "can say anything to me". Happens every year.
"You get like this EVERY year!", my loving sister screams. "And it's always like in November... you know what I think it is?? The holidays!!" BINGO! Guess what you win! I fucking hate the holidays. I lack the funds to buy those I deeply care for and love the gifts I feel they deserve. I can't even afford the small tokens to make a gift, because all that shit adds up and you know why?? Shipping from China! Way to go USA! Not to mention, already mentioned said stagnant pay and increasing heating and housing expenses! Fuck you XMAS!
Well, I've been trying to look at the bright side... I managed to get my fucking tires, which were a whopping $390 for the set (aw, crap, just remembered, time for inspection), in the same area to which I was getting them done, I went to the Dollar Store (everyone is all about it these days) and purchased some gloves to make, what is turning out to be a rather pathetic dino doll for my nephew and soon to be more pathetic kitty and bunny for my nieces. I also forgot I had over $50 at Amazon and had gotten another $50 g.c. from MyPoints to get stuff with... as I'm shopping for others, of course I notice bebe is now selling through Amazon, so I have to be not selfish and not purchase something I would wear probably once, since I don't go anywhere. I also thought I could make more jewelry (actually have to make a replacement my mother lost) for the females in the fam, maybe some gigantic rings, even and of course, painted ornaments... keep in mind what I bitched about earlier, all this shit adds up. There is the option of food gifts, but again, adds up.
So, though I'm more of the Grinch and Scrooge during this not-so-festive season (I actually decorate my home with a mixture of skeletons and Xmas decorations), I have been attempting to make things a bit brighter for myself. What sucks is my sis is in no financial disarray by any means so gets to get stuff for my parents. All I can do is paint stuff for them - FAIL.
Onto my training, thus far, I've been keeping up with it. This week, after the 3 week lay off of nothing and 2 weeks of light weight training and cardio, I've decided to start training heavy again, but starting with a body part a day until I can figure out what schedule would work best for me where I can still fit in cardio and not be too lazy, or tired to do it. Just trying to get the groove and love back. That's what I miss most. Also, on a side note, I haven't been munching on anything harsh... hoping to see some weight loss when I get on the scale Saturday. Prepare for a cry fest.
Thanksgiving... a pointless holiday, full of tradition and family quarrels and the start of the 8 to 15 lb carnage lovingly embraced by the American lifestyle during the month and a half long holiday season. Mine was OK, I suppose. I didn't fill up on food like most people have that day. I never usually do, though my mother did make an awesome assortment of food (minus the turkey, which my father is responsible for). Well, despite it being a holiday, what usually comes with holidays none other than a good old fashioned family feud, which I had with my sister and mother the night prior. I went over to my mother's to help, like I usually do every year, and much to my surprise, my sister was their with her children. I believe this would be her first year ever helping. At any rate, there was some misunderstanding with me and my nephew wanting to play (didn't catch on, but give me 5 more minutes and I would have figured it out... us kidless people haven't a clue). What started as a little quadlibet between siblings (called my nephew a "weirdo", which my sis didn't want as he would turn around call another child the term, which I find no harm in, but apparently is considered "name-calling"?? Wasn't Gonzo the Great a weirdo?? and of course not figuring out my nephew wanted to play with me) turned out to be an outright screaming match between my father and I and my sister and mother, all due to the fact that no one "can say anything to me". Happens every year.
"You get like this EVERY year!", my loving sister screams. "And it's always like in November... you know what I think it is?? The holidays!!" BINGO! Guess what you win! I fucking hate the holidays. I lack the funds to buy those I deeply care for and love the gifts I feel they deserve. I can't even afford the small tokens to make a gift, because all that shit adds up and you know why?? Shipping from China! Way to go USA! Not to mention, already mentioned said stagnant pay and increasing heating and housing expenses! Fuck you XMAS!
Well, I've been trying to look at the bright side... I managed to get my fucking tires, which were a whopping $390 for the set (aw, crap, just remembered, time for inspection), in the same area to which I was getting them done, I went to the Dollar Store (everyone is all about it these days) and purchased some gloves to make, what is turning out to be a rather pathetic dino doll for my nephew and soon to be more pathetic kitty and bunny for my nieces. I also forgot I had over $50 at Amazon and had gotten another $50 g.c. from MyPoints to get stuff with... as I'm shopping for others, of course I notice bebe is now selling through Amazon, so I have to be not selfish and not purchase something I would wear probably once, since I don't go anywhere. I also thought I could make more jewelry (actually have to make a replacement my mother lost) for the females in the fam, maybe some gigantic rings, even and of course, painted ornaments... keep in mind what I bitched about earlier, all this shit adds up. There is the option of food gifts, but again, adds up.
So, though I'm more of the Grinch and Scrooge during this not-so-festive season (I actually decorate my home with a mixture of skeletons and Xmas decorations), I have been attempting to make things a bit brighter for myself. What sucks is my sis is in no financial disarray by any means so gets to get stuff for my parents. All I can do is paint stuff for them - FAIL.
Onto my training, thus far, I've been keeping up with it. This week, after the 3 week lay off of nothing and 2 weeks of light weight training and cardio, I've decided to start training heavy again, but starting with a body part a day until I can figure out what schedule would work best for me where I can still fit in cardio and not be too lazy, or tired to do it. Just trying to get the groove and love back. That's what I miss most. Also, on a side note, I haven't been munching on anything harsh... hoping to see some weight loss when I get on the scale Saturday. Prepare for a cry fest.
November 21, 2011
Use The Force....
Still feeling pretty much the same as I did the last time I posted... depressed, feeling like a loser and not much motivated for anything to say the least. What are you gonna do? I'm trying though... sort of. Attempted the thought of getting creative... thing is, the thought is there, the action is lacking.
Been meaning to job search, but even that has me so depressed I can barely muster anything. A part of me was thinking, since my funds are depleting rather significantly, of applying at a couple of places in the mall. Not sure exactly how smart that will be as not only will it take away any free time I need and have, but also the fact that the places I was thinking of applying at are places I thoroughly enjoy shopping at, or going to. I just may do so... perhaps tomorrow, or when I'm more presentable... I look like ass at the moment, as I usually do for work Mon through Fri.
My weekend turned out OK. Was blown off Saturday after an invite on Friday. Meaning, I was invited to go somewhere only to be told they're rescheduling in two weeks instead, because four people backed out. Apparently I'm fun, but not enough, or some shit. That was annoying as I could have finished cleaning my place and done a half hour cardio session, but no, let's get all dressed up and piss you off. That's clearly a better option. I headed out anyway and ended up getting sushi, which kinda made up for it. Watched UFC a bit. Sunday was a lazy day, still not finishing my cleaning, but eh. I did, however, do my lifting, but no cardio to follow as my heel was killing me. I'm hoping to remedy that issue today somehow... either bare and grin it, or, I don't know. The afternoon/evening wasn't too bad again, had a burger for the first time in forever from a restaurant and it wasn't worth the 1000+ calories it probably had. The taste just wasn't there to justify said damage caused... neither were the sweet potato fries I'd consumed along with it. I did have Ben & Jerry's... I might end up taking the rest with me to the parents' for Thanksgiving. Have someone else finish that stuff off. Watched Dead Snow & Alice in Wonderland (with Depp in it), so it wasn't too bad.
I'm hoping this week won't be so hard... have a follow up to drama appt tomorrow after work. Have to see if I can push my appt for tires on Wednesday up a bit as well. Tonight there's no kickboxing, so I'm going to have to find the motivation to work out immediately when I get home... though if anyone knows me, may not likely happen, but we'll see. Also dying to be creative once more... again, we'll see... hence "use the force".
Been meaning to job search, but even that has me so depressed I can barely muster anything. A part of me was thinking, since my funds are depleting rather significantly, of applying at a couple of places in the mall. Not sure exactly how smart that will be as not only will it take away any free time I need and have, but also the fact that the places I was thinking of applying at are places I thoroughly enjoy shopping at, or going to. I just may do so... perhaps tomorrow, or when I'm more presentable... I look like ass at the moment, as I usually do for work Mon through Fri.
My weekend turned out OK. Was blown off Saturday after an invite on Friday. Meaning, I was invited to go somewhere only to be told they're rescheduling in two weeks instead, because four people backed out. Apparently I'm fun, but not enough, or some shit. That was annoying as I could have finished cleaning my place and done a half hour cardio session, but no, let's get all dressed up and piss you off. That's clearly a better option. I headed out anyway and ended up getting sushi, which kinda made up for it. Watched UFC a bit. Sunday was a lazy day, still not finishing my cleaning, but eh. I did, however, do my lifting, but no cardio to follow as my heel was killing me. I'm hoping to remedy that issue today somehow... either bare and grin it, or, I don't know. The afternoon/evening wasn't too bad again, had a burger for the first time in forever from a restaurant and it wasn't worth the 1000+ calories it probably had. The taste just wasn't there to justify said damage caused... neither were the sweet potato fries I'd consumed along with it. I did have Ben & Jerry's... I might end up taking the rest with me to the parents' for Thanksgiving. Have someone else finish that stuff off. Watched Dead Snow & Alice in Wonderland (with Depp in it), so it wasn't too bad.
I'm hoping this week won't be so hard... have a follow up to drama appt tomorrow after work. Have to see if I can push my appt for tires on Wednesday up a bit as well. Tonight there's no kickboxing, so I'm going to have to find the motivation to work out immediately when I get home... though if anyone knows me, may not likely happen, but we'll see. Also dying to be creative once more... again, we'll see... hence "use the force".
November 17, 2011
PAUSED
It's been, what, like 20 days since my last post?? Had ya there for a sec, didn't I? Kinda sounded like a confessional. Anyways, a lot has happened since those 20 days, like the great power outage and snowstorm of 10/29 New England. Totally unreal, still can't get over it and yes, there is still a huge mess everywhere. Most have gotten power by now, if not all. I didn't have power for four days. My parents and sister almost a week. So, needless to say, the closing of Fright Fest was a bust, due to said storm and outage. Totally sucked. Still had so much gore left in me. What are you gonna do? In fact, I believe I was really depressed over the fact that Halloween was, essentially, cancelled. It was like something out of a Tim Burton movie, or a 60s classic Rudolph, only, honestly, I would much rather have it been Xmas, than Halloween any day, but who's really keeping track of that shit??
So, these last 3 weeks have been basically lazy weeks with a rather dramatic, trying week that is still with me. As stated in my previous post, I was supposed to take a week off from everything... didn't happen, as stated. Did cardio for two days, plus the scaring, out of that week. After speaking with a co-worker and confirming with Chia, I decided an additional week of no lifting would do me some good. Again, only 2 days of cardio were performed that same week. Didn't have time otherwise, as I had taken that Friday off to help a friend who is also my spray tanner for competitions. That was a rather busy day, but I thought I did OK once I got into the swing of things and even offered to help her in the future, now that I know how to run things a bit. Even got to meet a friend from FB in person. He really was supposed to meet up with me the following day, as we had tried to plan the day earlier, but came to find out the competition would have been pricey and I couldn't figure out when would be a good time for him to meet me there. After the day had gone and passed, I'm thinking the best time would have been during the finals, since I hung out with a friend's husband and son, as well as the tanner, during some time of the show, then we later left and had some beers. At any rate, due to the crazy schedule I had Friday, the guy decided to come up anyway, an hour earlier than I had stated would be a good time. Not even sure if the guy worked out, or not, but he actually waited outside the conference room (a.k.a. tanning room) and chatted a bit with one of the competitor's husbands. The husband turns to me and says, "You've got a great guy right here... he's been sitting here for two hours." To which I agreed and was amazed with. The guy didn't even seem the slightest bit annoyed. When I was finished, I helped MB (tanner) and another gal who was helping her, pack shit up and put them in her car. She then had one other kid to tan, so me and the guy, we'll refer him as J, decided to hang a bit before he had to go back home (he had about an hr's drive back... he lives 2 hrs away from me, so clearly I wasn't lookin for anything, obviously due to the obvious that Chia and I are still together (another story)). As we hung out, I had some salad that MB gave me whilst chit chatting with J and then MB came by later, since she knew him, and we all hung out for about another hour. I walked J out and headed to bed. Crazy day that was and the next day was a bit crazier grabbing competitors to see if they needed touch ups, etc. Some, major divas galore. So, of course, after that crazy weekend, I was looking forward to a somewhat relaxing Sunday and also starting up a work out, but that didn't happen for whatever reason. Got home by noon that day and was too zombie-like tired to do anything. Barely slept the night before. So the week I was supposed to start my work out again, didn't happen, due to drama that occurred at my brother-in-law's gym with my sis. Got maybe a round in. No biggie, checked out an airbrush place at the mall my father had mentioned to see if I could catch the owner, because he will be holding some classes. My parents are willing to pay, not sure what they think I will get out of it, if it's a business, or what, but I'm always looking for improvement.
I ended up ill, needless to say, so I didn't even end up working out, then when I felt better, I worked and even went to the Fright Fest end of season party, went out with friends after that (walked into their drama, luckily for a brief moment) and helped out my brother-in-law with a grappling tournament benefit he held for damages done to his gym when it was broken into. Sunday, with the help of FB friend J, I finally got started workin out. I've been feeling OK, though, the drama that occurred the week before still resonates with me; including what's been going on between Chia and I. Will I see improvement in our relationship (can you even call it that anymore)??
Now this week, I'm also reminded of how I haven't been productive, aside from work and workin out. I hate myself when I get like that. I could be improving my 3D skills, instead I feel debilitated with fear of not being perfect, or lacking help, or something. I don't know what it is. If I ask about school with a pro, they always tell me the same: you don't need more education, you need practice. Well, seriously, then how can I practice if I have to work over 40 hours a week and how can I improve if no one will give me a foot in the door?? So... as stated in the title, I feel like my life is on PAUSE. What to do?? Depression at it's most awesome.
So, these last 3 weeks have been basically lazy weeks with a rather dramatic, trying week that is still with me. As stated in my previous post, I was supposed to take a week off from everything... didn't happen, as stated. Did cardio for two days, plus the scaring, out of that week. After speaking with a co-worker and confirming with Chia, I decided an additional week of no lifting would do me some good. Again, only 2 days of cardio were performed that same week. Didn't have time otherwise, as I had taken that Friday off to help a friend who is also my spray tanner for competitions. That was a rather busy day, but I thought I did OK once I got into the swing of things and even offered to help her in the future, now that I know how to run things a bit. Even got to meet a friend from FB in person. He really was supposed to meet up with me the following day, as we had tried to plan the day earlier, but came to find out the competition would have been pricey and I couldn't figure out when would be a good time for him to meet me there. After the day had gone and passed, I'm thinking the best time would have been during the finals, since I hung out with a friend's husband and son, as well as the tanner, during some time of the show, then we later left and had some beers. At any rate, due to the crazy schedule I had Friday, the guy decided to come up anyway, an hour earlier than I had stated would be a good time. Not even sure if the guy worked out, or not, but he actually waited outside the conference room (a.k.a. tanning room) and chatted a bit with one of the competitor's husbands. The husband turns to me and says, "You've got a great guy right here... he's been sitting here for two hours." To which I agreed and was amazed with. The guy didn't even seem the slightest bit annoyed. When I was finished, I helped MB (tanner) and another gal who was helping her, pack shit up and put them in her car. She then had one other kid to tan, so me and the guy, we'll refer him as J, decided to hang a bit before he had to go back home (he had about an hr's drive back... he lives 2 hrs away from me, so clearly I wasn't lookin for anything, obviously due to the obvious that Chia and I are still together (another story)). As we hung out, I had some salad that MB gave me whilst chit chatting with J and then MB came by later, since she knew him, and we all hung out for about another hour. I walked J out and headed to bed. Crazy day that was and the next day was a bit crazier grabbing competitors to see if they needed touch ups, etc. Some, major divas galore. So, of course, after that crazy weekend, I was looking forward to a somewhat relaxing Sunday and also starting up a work out, but that didn't happen for whatever reason. Got home by noon that day and was too zombie-like tired to do anything. Barely slept the night before. So the week I was supposed to start my work out again, didn't happen, due to drama that occurred at my brother-in-law's gym with my sis. Got maybe a round in. No biggie, checked out an airbrush place at the mall my father had mentioned to see if I could catch the owner, because he will be holding some classes. My parents are willing to pay, not sure what they think I will get out of it, if it's a business, or what, but I'm always looking for improvement.
I ended up ill, needless to say, so I didn't even end up working out, then when I felt better, I worked and even went to the Fright Fest end of season party, went out with friends after that (walked into their drama, luckily for a brief moment) and helped out my brother-in-law with a grappling tournament benefit he held for damages done to his gym when it was broken into. Sunday, with the help of FB friend J, I finally got started workin out. I've been feeling OK, though, the drama that occurred the week before still resonates with me; including what's been going on between Chia and I. Will I see improvement in our relationship (can you even call it that anymore)??
Now this week, I'm also reminded of how I haven't been productive, aside from work and workin out. I hate myself when I get like that. I could be improving my 3D skills, instead I feel debilitated with fear of not being perfect, or lacking help, or something. I don't know what it is. If I ask about school with a pro, they always tell me the same: you don't need more education, you need practice. Well, seriously, then how can I practice if I have to work over 40 hours a week and how can I improve if no one will give me a foot in the door?? So... as stated in the title, I feel like my life is on PAUSE. What to do?? Depression at it's most awesome.
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